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Holiday Stress and the Child of Divorce

by Heather Troy

Divorce is a time of transition for the whole family.  Routines change.  Finances may affect what the household can now afford.  Sometimes there is even a move involved which can mean new schools and new friends too.  All these changes raise the level of stress for the children.  The holidays can be particularly difficult.  Family traditions around the holidays may intensify feelings of loss for the children.  All of a sudden dad isn’t there to put up the decorations or mom isn’t there to bake their favorite treat. 

            You may not be able to change the fact of the divorce but, there are things you can do to try to lessen the stress of the changes on your family.  Find ways to reassure your children that they will still be cared for and loved.   Create a new home environment where all family members are respected and get what they need.  This is not easy.  It will never be perfect.  The important thing is to keep trying.  Though your children may not appreciate your efforts in the moment, trust that they will know you did the best you could and keep going forward.

            Part of moving forward is reshaping some of your family’s routines around the holidays.  Below are some suggestions for how you can try to make your celebrations less stressful for your children. 

• Keep some old traditions  Keeping some of your usual traditions can be comforting for the children.  They may get some security from seeing that not everything changes with the divorce.  If your children are old enough, ask them what their favorite traditions are and try to keep something from their list. 
• Create some new ones  Keeping some of the old traditions is good but if you do everything exactly the same as before, it may be painfully obvious how the other parent is no longer there.  Try to come up with some new ways to decorate or attend a different holiday event to keep it fun but changed up a little.
• Simplify   You may have a dozen little traditions that go into your holiday celebration.  In the midst of family upheaval you may not be able to do it all.  Consider what has the most meaning for you.  Continue the most important traditions.  Let go of as much of the rest as you can.  Give yourself some breathing room.  Simplify and enjoy. 
• Make agreements in advance   As far in advance as possible, come to an agreement with the ex about who has the kids when.  Try to be flexible.  Remember it is not the ex that you are working to please but your children.  Keep them out of any disputes you have.    
• Do an activity with the ex and kids together If you have an amicable arrangement with your ex, consider doing an activity all together.  Maybe you can attend a school play or other special event.  This can be a powerful lesson for the children.  First, they will see that their parents can still come together for them from time to time.  Second, they can see how even when there are disagreements, mature adults can treat each other with civility. 
• Don’t fuss about dates    If you do not have custody of your children on a particular holiday, consider celebrating with them on a different day.  You may have to change up what you do.  Certain events with extended family or your place of worship may not move.  You can still find ways to celebrating a few days before or after that can be just as fun.  Emphasize to your children the things you still can do together instead of lamenting what you cannot. 
• Spread the holiday activities out Spreading the holiday out can take the pressure off any one day if things go wrong.  If you can foresee a particular day as being contentious, plan to have some fun activities before or after so that not all the holiday memories are dependent on smooth sailing on a particular day. 

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article - with more tips!