I’m Still Standing, But Don’t Leave Me Hanging
Imagine you are in a large public swimming pool. You are in the middle, just where the bottom has sloped down from the shallow to the deep end. The tips of your toes barely touch the bottom, but your head is still above water; although the water comes up to just below your mouth. If you move over even a fraction of an inch, you will go under and not be able to regain your footing.
From the outside of the pool, others can see you and you look like you are no immediate danger. From your perspective, you are dangerously close to drowning. If you yelled for help, you may not get a response, as you do not seem to need rescuing. You seem to be standing on your own two feet and can walk out at anytime on your own. If you went under completely, well then surely someone would notice and an effort would be made to pull you to a safe place. As the panic sets in, you are sure your feet are going out from under you. The water seems to get deeper, the noise from the crowd outside is getting louder, and you firmly believe that you are about to go under; no, you are going to somehow make yourself go under, and no one is going to pay any attention, because, in reality, you are simply still standing there. You can not breathe and you have no way to convince yourself that you are not about to drown in front of an entire crowd of people, who are watching you, smiling, laughing, and going about their own business!
If this seems like a dream, or at the very least, a very unlikely story, let me let you in on a secret. This is how it feels for me to have a mental illness. I am lucky enough that I have never been hospitalized and can manage well on my medications, although they don’t seem to work for me for very long. However, this experience is often a very lonely one. Quite often I seem stable and in control. In reality, I am absolutely screaming inside for someone to help me. Fix me. Notice how damaged I really am.
Luckily my doctor is a very good one, and is truly interested in knowing how I am doing. But even he can’t fully appreciate the feeling of drowning in one’s own skin. Unfortunately, the reality of it is, no one is going to notice you unless you are the one making waves or a lot of noise. Or until you go completely under. Much time is spent researching and caring for the very obviously ill. It is time and energy well spent. Those of use who are in between, who are functioning well are believed to be “success stories”. But make no mistake. Just because it looks like our heads are above water does not mean we are out of danger. You should not assume that we can make it on our own. We may be still standing, but please don’t leave us to tread water on our own.
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