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STOLEN CHOICES
No one ever said living with mental illness would be easy. Everyone mostly knows the basic pitfalls to expect. But the one that has hit me is one I never saw coming. I’m 34. A wife and a mother to one child. I had always thought I’d wanted to have 2 children. That seemed manageable. My husband wanted 2 or 3. We’d see what happens. But somewhere in the middle of my pregnancy my illness started to rage and I have never been the same.
After my daughter was born, I sought treatment for the different problems I was having. Once I was medicated and feeling better, life started to feel closer to normal again. But as time went on I realized that being a mom added to the difficult job of keeping my illness under control, and it was a battle every day to keep my life normal. And she became the only thing I wanted to live for.
As my daughter grew, well-meaning friends and family members soon started asking when we’d be expanding our family again. The thought of this absolutely terrified me. There was no way I could endure the mental anguish I went through the first time and have my daughter to care for at the same time. Not to mention going off my medication for such a long period of time. I felt like another pregnancy would destroy me. So I started answering these invasive questions with a simple,”I’m just having one baby”. Unfortunately, this does not sit well with some people who think it is their role in life to convince you that you need to have multiple children, or at least press you for a good explanation. Guess what? Without going into too much detail, I don’t have one, except it’s our choice not to have more than one.
Mental Illness runs long and strong through my bloodline, so I have some understanding and supportive people in my immediate family. However, others have not been so kind. I feel like the decision to have another child has been taken away from me. I risk passing mental illness on to my children, and I already look for signs of it in my daughter. I am unable to live without my medication. Some people do not understand that statement. My medication enables me to LIVE. And it helps me be a good parent to the daughter I have. I can not handle the stress another child would bring.
It is completely unfair that this choice has been stolen from me. It’s an unexpected side effect of mental illness. Let’s be clear- I am unbelievably blessed to have one child. I see my friends having children, and although I am very happy for them, I cringe to be around them, because I know the question is coming-“why aren’t you having another one?” It’s too difficult to explain that it is not my choice to make.
I hope this article will remind people to think before they ask this question in the future. It seems so innocent, yet it is incredibly invasive to the woman you are asking, and the reason she has for the answer she gives may be terribly personal. If you do not have a mental illness, be thankful that choice is still yours to make.
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