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Recently I really haven’t been feeling too well physically and have had a few scares so it didn’t surprise me when I began to feel depressed.  It hasn’t happened in a long time, so long actually I almost forgot what depression feels like. I was out for my morning walk and out of nowhere, I began to cry.   I also realized that not too many people know I have suffered with depression most of my life.  I am not sure why that is, it just is.

I grew up in a wonderful home raised by wonderful parents who were alcoholics, as were most of my immediate relatives.  I was unfortunately physically and emotionally abused on a regular basis by a close relative, not my parents, but someone who became angry and abusive when he drank. I learned to develop coping skills, some good, some not so good, for sure. Those coping skills shaped my life, my relationship choices and my ability to deal with depression.  I guess I could be labeled co-dependent, ACOA (adult child of alcohol).  Depression has weaved its way in and out of my life for many years. After having my first child I became depressed, back then it wasn’t called post-partum depression.  Everyone said don’t worry this will pass.  I had also just lost my mother to cancer two weeks before my child was born.  The depression unfortunately lasted for many years even after the birth of my second child.  Finally I was unable to cope with being a wife and a mom and went on medication.  I remember I didn’t like being on the medication, I always seemed to be out of it, everything seemed fuzzy.   As my life progressed I realized I wanted to be more in control of me, my feelings and my life.

Call me one of the lucky ones, or maybe I just worked very hard. I was able to turn the illness around.  I worked very hard every day to become a positive thinker, and care for myself both physically and emotionally through exercise and prayer.  All this because I wanted so much to be a good wife and mom.  Fortunately, I was called to do missionary work in Haiti with my church and would spend two weeks every summer there for three years.  What a wonderful life experience, one which changed my path. I went to college as an adult, became a social worker and eventually got a masters degree.  Life was good.  My depression was under control.  But then the unthinkable happened. My son, my oldest child died. He committed suicide.  He had struggled with alcoholism and addiction from the time he was twelve.   Yet again substance abuse had affected my life.  

I survived this although it took a long time to get back on my feet and, of course, I think of him every day even 23 years later. I still wonder from time to time what I could have done differently.  There was nothing, this I now know.  There was nothing I could do about my family’s illness, my abuser and my addicted son.  Nothing I could do about my genetic make-up, however I have managed to keep my depression at bay and have a wonderful life.  One in which I have been able to help many people just based on my life experience.